I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Randomize
