you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
