If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
