i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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