it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
