I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
