I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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