Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
