you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
