i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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