I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
