clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I want to fling myself into the sun
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