A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
