Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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