The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
