Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
