I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
