My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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