When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
