she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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