I think i peed on brittanys purse
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
