Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
