My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
