oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
People in love make me want to vomit
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
