he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
bring money and cleavage
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Randomize
