I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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