nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
