the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
