All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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