When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
