just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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