Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
