you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
