sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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