i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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