Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
