girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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