you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm gonna fight the coyote
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
