the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
