I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
