I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
