So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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