I want you more than these girls want KFC
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
bring money and cleavage
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
