I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I want to be your penis for a week.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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