How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
