So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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