I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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