Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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