I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
