Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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