I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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