mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
